Thursday, March 28, 2013
The idea that some of us are born great, while others have to find their own way to achieving that has long fascinated me. Because it begs an interesting question: What could I do to become great?
Anyone out there who is reading this, you may remember me as that girl who used to blog. For a little while. Didn't quite make it, though. And, honestly, that seems to have been the story of my life. I'm the girl that started to do something great. And then stopped, never quite making it to actual greatness.
Well, I stopped blogging because I met a boy at work. And suddenly everything I had always centered my life around didn't seem to matter. All that seemed to matter was that boy. I fell in love with him, I obsessed over him, and I did everything I could think of to get him to return those feelings.
But he didn't.
Oh, he said things like he loved me, he just wasn't IN love with me. And that we'd always be good friends. And he was so thankful to have me in his life. And we would have been together, if he didn't have to move away and to go to college. He made a lot of promises even when he left. Promises like he wouldn't actually leave me, we'd see each other a lot, we'd talk on the phone, we'd stay in touch.
And then we didn't.
It wasn't a complete abandonment. Not at first. At first, he talked to me quite well. We did the whole friendship from afar thing. But then he started to drift on me. Stopped talking about anything that mattered. Would only text me back if I asked questions about the weather or if I should visit a club that week or not.
I texted him one day, telling him how I needed to talk to him and I thought I might have broke my hand. I waited 2 days to hear back from him, and didn't get a single reply. Finally, I asked him if he even cared about me at all. I got this long-winded reply about how he was just too busy to give me anything but the bare minimum. I angrily replied that that wasn't the bare minimum; that was absolutely nothing. The bare minimum would have been a text message asking if I was okay.
I haven't heard from him since.
I've never felt heartbreak before. And it hit me in a big way. It was worse than I'd even imagined it to be. I sunk so deep into depression, the world seemed dark and bleak. My days were filled with thoughts of self-loathing. I bombarded myself with negative thoughts of how I obviously wasn't good enough. Because, if I had been good enough, he wouldn't have left me. He would have returned my feelings. It would have been different.
But that isn't how it works, is it? Sometimes people just don't return your feelings. Even if they say they do.
About a month after this, I woke up. I looked around me, at the life I was leading, and thought to myself: "No wonder he left you; who'd want to stay with someone like this?" I hated myself for what I'd become. I hated my life.
But I've always had a saying I'd say to other people if they asked my advice on things like this: if you really hate your life that much, get up and change it or stop complaining and learn to enjoy it. Throwing yourself a pity party and wasting your energy on negative thoughts gets you and the world no where.
That advice came to my mind all of the sudden. And the thought of that boy returning and seeing me sunk inside the dark, bleak hole that I had allowed my life to become galvanized me into action. I refused to let him ever see me like that.
Which brings me back to the quote at the top of this page.
I have finally come to a conclusion in my life. I want to be great. I obviously wasn't born that way. At least, not in the ways that I wanted to be. But I could MAKE myself be great.
And that has been my mission ever since. To change the parts of myself and my life that I don't like, and finally become the person I've dreamed of being since I was 5 years old. And now, over 2 months into the change, it isn't even about the boy anymore. It's about me. It's about the person I can become and the dreams I can achieve if I just set my mind to it. To look at my life now, it's shocking to think that only 2 short months ago I was depressed and miserable.
I never want to go back to that place.
So, I've created a new blog. I could have continued my old one here, but in the spirit of a fresh start, I thought it best to begin with a clean slate. Thus Some Are Made was born.
If any of you are still listening to this old, ratty blog, I'd love to see you again. Why don't you stop on by? Check it out here.